Monday night's episode of "Southern Charm" had more talk about periods than my eighth-grade health class. Not sure if it's weirder coming from my P.E. coach or Thomas Ravenel.
Last week ended with Kathryn confronting T-Rav about the possibility of her being pregnant and they leave a party to "go somewhere and talk." He was already "in the cups" and it was still daylight when they left.
This episode begins with them at Sermet's for a drink and the sun has long been down. Their ability to speak clearly has also greatly diminished. T-Rav tells Kathryn they need to find out "immediately" if she's pregnant, and I think he added three extra syllables to the word.
For some reason, they take it outside (T-Rav's goblet of wine in hand) and, between all of the slurring, I could gather that he confronts her about Shep, which she refers to as a "fling." She says she's missed him, they nuzzle together (with the outside wall of the restaurant holding them up), smooch, then T-Rav gives Kathryn the good-old-standard butt grab. The quintessential classy move.
They get a cab and T-Rav stops at the drugstore to purchase a pregnancy test. A man of constant chivalry, he goes in to get it. It would have been cooler if he had also picked up some maxi pads since he's so knowledgeable about the female menstrual cycle.
They return to T-Rav's house and he begs her to take the test right away, as they stagger up the stairs. Kathryn agrees, but neglects to turn her mic off. Yep, we hear her tinkle. On national television.
The result is "error," which baffles T-Rav to no end. I mean, why would a pregnancy test "not work" after an evening of heavy drinking. Then comes the "I'll step up" speech.
It breaks to Whitney and his mom on their way to a luncheon for the board members of the Gibbes Museum of Art. She has a degree in architecture and art and is a big collector. She donated a painting to the museum and mentioned the artist's name all fancy-like, but honest to Pete, I have no idea who it is. The only "art" I have are the posters I purchased in the Stern Center Breezeway when I was in college.
Whitney, for once the youngest person somewhere, is bored out of his gourd and, most appalling, he declines drinking sweet tea because it has too many calories.
He again attempts to woo his mother into supporting his idea for the cool, hip Mexican restaurant that he wants to open with Shep, but she slams him at every turn.
She sent her son to study at Oxford and the Sorbonne, and she'd rather say her son is a director, not that he buses tables and is a maitre'd. Because that's what all successful restaurateurs do. Dishes.
And in the way that mothers can hurt their children the most, she continues to ridicule his dream, saying that she's "underwhelmed" by it and it's "pedestrian" and "banal." Rich people use fancier words to insult their children, I guess.
Back to T-Rav's house, the morning after the tee-tee on the stick incident. He brings Kathryn coffee in bed, where she's still wearing her dress from the night before. There's more "I'll step up" talk after she insists on going to the doctor.
After she leaves, T-Rav takes a jaunt to Shep's house, where he drops the possible pregnancy bomb. Shep is obviously shaken, but he's pretty much got a "safety first" motto, so he doesn't seem to be as panicked as T-Rav.
Kathryn, still in her dress from the night before, unkempt hair and faded makeup, drives to her grandmother's plantation in Moncks Corner. That's in a-whole-nother county, y'all. I suspect that she didn't stop off at home to change because that would minimize the sense of urgency that we're supposed to feel on her part.
She breaks the news to her grandmother about her "relationship" with T-Rav and the current predicament. When Kathryn (21-ish) tells her T-Rav's age (50-ish), Granny says, "That's not a bad age. I like 'em older." So much for that sense of shame from the family matriarch.
Cameran meets Shep at Charleston Tuxedo to help him find a tux for JD's Carolina Day party - "a holiday to celebrate some type of battle," as Cameran puts it. Shep tells Cameran about the pregnancy scare. Understandably, she doesn't get why T-Rav beds such young women, saying that he's even too old for her at age 30.
I'm more age-appropriate than all of them, and it's still bordering on uncle territory for me.
In what can only be considered a filler scene, Whitney goes to Jenna's house and addresses the "unfortunate misconceptions" around town about her - namely, where her money comes from. It's here we learn about her boyfriend, Lou, in New York. He's 55. She's 28. She would have married him seven years ago if she was a gold-digger, she says. Lou can't go to the Carolina Day party because he's "overseas." Perhaps he's in the import-export business.
After Shep has his retrospective about what the pregnancy scare means to him and its "impetus for change," his crush MJ joins him for coffee. Well, she wants coffee. He orders a pinot noir. When he realizes that a midday glass of wine may not convey his new image correctly, he gets a coffee instead.
Shep is a hot mess for this girl, but her "social calendar is always full" when he asks her out. He's not reading those signals at all, bless his heart.
Craig later plays the revenge card and tells Shep that MJ has a longtime boyfriend in Ohio. Even though the two of them are "good now," it makes Craig happy that Shep got beat by a guy from Ohio. Zip it, dude. You're from Delaware.
Is T-Rav a daddy?
The show goes on and on and everyone tells everyone else about the possible pregnancy. Everyone is surprised and not sure how to feel about it. T-Rav does a lot of heavy sighing. In the most brilliant assessment of the episode, Whitney describes T-Rav as the type of man that keeps driving past the red flag, continues over the barrier and then through the yellow tape. That, ladies and gentlemen, is what they call arrogance.
Then T-Rav takes Kathryn to the doctor. He's worried for both of them because of the possibility of more scandal. She wants the fairy tale, a white picket fence and a cute family. Enter impending doom theme music here.
Doctor: "Right now, you're testing negative." I think T-Rav actually skips out of the doctor's office. The two of them go out for margaritas. And then they decide to start dating. T-Rav tells her she draws him in a little bit with her vulnerability, and he admits that he never gave her a chance before. My eyes rolled right out of my head when he told her that she was an "old soul" and she emphatically agreed with him. She told him that she wants the "true Thomas."
Good luck with that, sweetie, he just called you an "asset."
THE EXCUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM A LOVER AS TO WHY HE HASN'T CALLED WHEN YOU MAY BE PREGNANT WITH HIS BABY: "I've been busy with life." - T-Rav
THE WORST THING TO HAVE YOUR SON SAY ABOUT YOU: "Mom would have made a great dictator." - Whitney
WHEN A MAN-CHILD CONTINUES TO PURSUE A WOMAN THAT SHOWS LITTLE INTEREST IN DATING HIM: "She's turning me into a girl." - Shep
BIGGEST UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE EPISODE: "It must be the self-destructive streak I have in me." - T-Rav
HINDSIGHT IS 20-20 AWARD: "I shouldn't have had sex with her." - T-Rav
NEXT WEEK: JD's Carolina Day party brings the best out of T-Rav when he threatens to slap Whitney for a reason that may or may not be related to the possibility that Whitney may or may not have smooched Kathryn at some point.