The anticipation for Monday's episode of "Southern Charm" had me more anxious than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Not out of excitement, mind you, but out of pure trepidation that all of my Southern ancestry would roll over in their graves at the same time, creating the largest earthquake the Southeast has ever seen. Did you feel anything?
We begin with an introduction to the elder Ravenel. Arthur Jr. The one with the bridge. Over lunch, father and son discuss the strategy of picking a wife for T-Rav. Silly me, I thought picking was only for noses and apples.
We all know that politicians have a game plan for marriage, that we've got to be able to buy what they're selling, but it doesn't necessarily need to be said out loud. Then to my horror, Arthur advises his son that the best way to keep a woman, pardon me, a "lady," is to get her pregnant. And then he offered to give her $10,000 if it's a "boy baby."
Go ahead and take a minute here. I sure needed one.
T-Rav has a polo date with Danni, "the future Mrs. Ravenel" and Shep's ex-girlfriend. Yes, a polo date. T-Rav says that polo is sexy. As for me, only if it's Prince Harry that's playing. T-Rav tries to get Danni to drink too much wine so that she'll have to stay over at his plantation house. That failed.
Danni agrees to a second date and they go to a friend's dinner party. As he walks her out to her car later that evening, T-Rav gets a little too handsy when he tries to plant a smooch on her. She pulls back from his attempt and it becomes an awkward end to what was a bad idea in the first place.
They will likely never have another date where T-Rav will be able to "test drive" the merchandise.
'Three week person'
Craig meets Cameran for lunch at Husk. He is still drunk from the night before, but he says it's "pretty common" to wake up drunk on a Saturday. Perhaps it's common for him whenever the day of the week ends with "day."
We learn that Craig is a "three-week person" when it comes to dating and loses interest in women at 30 because that's "old."
Don't hate, just because we can't sell our eggs anymore.
Craig admits to having a "kindergarten crush" on Kathryn, T-Rav's conquest from last week's episode, even though she has "purple hair."
Mom, you're embarrassing me
Shep goes to Whitney's house with his big-boy portfolio and they discuss their plans to open a restaurant together. A Mexican restaurant that's kind of rock and roll. Like a Hard Rock Cafe with quesadillas?
There's an embarrassing experience with Whitney's mom over a dinner of fried chicken and a $2,000 bottle of red wine. She hates Whitney's restaurant idea, hates the girl he's brought home, completely emasculates him in front of his guest, and is passive aggressive in all of her attempts to redirect the conversation.
Sounds like your typical Southern mother. They take a course in it. The really good ones get a special certificate.
Once it moves to the Bro Code element of the episode, the eyes begin to gloss over. Not just mine due to all of the eye rolling, but Craig's and Shep's because of all of the alcohol.
Let me break it down this way: Shep likes MJ, gives her a surfing lesson, fails at his attempts to woo her and she leaves early. Then there's the tear-in-my-beer routine about how he's "needy," and then something contrived and pathetic about needing some "good faith" from a woman. Kathryn shows up and wants Shep to teach her how to surf, too. Craig is frowny.
Whitney and Jenna go to a bar and Shep "shows up." Whitney and Jenna leave and Kathryn "shows up." Shep and Kathryn drink more and make out in front of everyone. Kathryn is currently two for four of the show's male cast members. Game on, hot potato.
The next night while out for drinks at Taco Boy, Craig confronts Shep (a self-described "testosterone nightmare") about breaking the Bro Code, in front of Kathryn, who gets overwhelmed, I guess, and has to leave. Shep's apathy hurts Craig's feelings and they argue. And drink. And argue. And I get bored.
The most frightening part of the episode is not the $10,000 pregnancy comment. It's the segment with T-Rav working out, sweating, breathing heavy, ending with a shot of his lily-white rear in the shower. Scarred for life.
BEST QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: "I met the governor ... I went to a fundraiser some Yankees threw for her." - Arthur Ravenel Jr.
WORST WAY TO DESCRIBE A GOODNIGHT KISS THAT APPEARED LIKE THE WOMAN WAS BEING ACCOSTED: "I startled her." - T-Rav
WORST QUOTE OF THE NIGHT REFERENCING A DATING FAILURE BY COMPARING A WOMAN TO BUYING A NEW CAR: "I didn't even get to kick the tires." - T-Rav
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS AWARD: "My charm isn't working." - Shep
MOST OVERUSED WORDS OF THE EPISODE: Procreate and impregnate.
PREDICTIONS FOR EPISODE 3: There may be news regarding the most overused words in Monday's episode. And Jenna has a pool party.