Sochi, so far: Shaun White cut his hair, Bob Costas went on the injured list, and how about that nutty Norwegian curling team and those silly pants?

The world simply can't wait until 2016 for the next Summer Olympics. The Spring Olympics are overdue.

Dates: Late April, every four years starting in 2015.

Potential inaugural host sites: San Francisco-Oakland, Dallas-Fort Worth, Washington-Baltimore, Charleston-Goose Creek.

Here's a lineup of elite events sure to unite the world like a skilled international jam band dressed in silly pants:

7-on-7 flag football

Why no U.S. outcry for a Fall Olympics? Football. But spreading the good gridiron message through trick plays and tailgating might be the key to unlocking the secrets of world peace.

Let's start slow, without helmets.

Competition categories: Men's, women's, coed. Sure, some countries - Chad, Iceland, Nepal and the like - may lag behind in identifying talent. But that's where Spring Olympics ambassador Mel Kiper Jr. comes in.

Demolition derby

More popular than you think.

Tremendously popular when the vehicles are decked out in national colors.

Yes, better to have the United States and North Korea smashing into each other on a dusty field than in the skies over the Aleutian Islands, or between Dennis Rodman's ears.

Demolition derby is the ultimate matchups of athleticism and engineering, with Fortune 500 sponsorship potential on every hood.

Early 2015 gold medal favorites: Germany, Japan, Justin Bieber.

Rural combined

Participants must ride an ATV through muddy woods, shoot a duck, catch a bass, attend the weigh-in and prepare the meal. Fastest/tastiest wins.

Of course, American athletes benefit greatly from time spent at the U.S. Rural Combined National Training Center in Monroe, La.


Kicked out of the Summer Olympics, welcome in the Spring Olympics.


Have you seen those reality shows where people are stranded with nothing but a pocket knife and a well-equipped film crew? Well, it gets a lot tougher in the Spring Olympics: Teens must fend for themselves at a mall without the benefit of smartphones.


So obvious, yet so overlooked by Summer Olympic committees ignoring an activity necessarily popular in almost every nation.

The world's oldest legal sport.

Of course, we must have the four basic categories:



Fly fishing



Horsemanship is a centuries-old part of Mongolian culture, and a big deal in West Texas. If that's not enough of a cultural blanket to cover this world, here are two words guaranteed to spread united joy: Rodeo clowns!


By some estimates the third-most popular sport in the world (behind soccer and basketball but still ahead of rural combined), cricket is conspicuous by its Olympic absence. This is partly because of infighting in India, and probably American apprehension to a bat-and-ball game without an infield fly rule.

NASCAR Grand Prix

The best of auto racing in one fan-friendly format.

For instance, over the hilly streets of San Francisco, around the monuments of Washington, D.C., through Charleston's historic district.

With Eli Gold calling the action.


Not a part of the Summer Olympics since 1908 (Canada won).

Booming in the U.S.

Likely to include an average of 1.2 children from every family on a travel team by the year 2019.

So much more fun than curling.

Follow Gene Sapakoff on Twitter @sapakoff