How to create the purr-fect candidate

“I don’t think they play at all fairly,” Alice began, in rather a complaining tone, “and they all quarrel so dreadfully one can’t hear oneself speak — and they don’t seem to have any rules in particular; at least, if there are, nobody attends to them — and you’ve no idea how confusing it is.”

— Lewis Carroll, “Alice in Wonderland”

I’ve been watching too many Republican presidential debates. Dozing through one of them the other night I had a dream, a dream about the perfect candidate for president of the United States, leader of the Free World, and commander in chief of the Armed Forces. No, in my dream it was not one of the Final Four. You remember them — the ones touted in all those stupid political ads on TV and the infuriating robo calls that had you jumping up and down every six seconds at lunch and dinner time. How could you forget, even though they’ve already forgotten you? Florida is in the crosshairs now, on the receiving end of much of what we in South Carolina have just endured.

There must be a better way to pick a president. Why don’t we just award the office to the winner of the Power Ball? We could use the lottery for senators and congresspersons (forgive me), too. We’d save so much money, time and trouble. The federal government would be less corrupt and more efficient. If it works out the way I think it would, we could look at state and local offices as well.

But back to my dream. The perfect candidate was an amalgam of all those seeking the Republican nomination, both those in the Final Four and the ones who’d already dropped out. He had Herman Cain’s gift for coming up with simple solutions to complex problems, like fixing the economy. “Nine, nine, nine!” resonates with a whole bunch of people, and wouldn’t it be great to file our taxes on a post card?

But let’s be practical for a moment. What would we do with all those unemployed tax lawyers, accountants, and lobbyists? Would they have to go on food stamps, too?

Mitt Romney strikes me as being the most level-headed of our wannabe presidents, though thus far too timid by half. The perfect candidate had Romney’s sincerity and ability to stay on message in the face of adversity. Romney, of course, is currently being crucified for paying “only” about 15 percent of his income to the Feds.

Now, you can’t expect a candidate (or a president for that matter) to think of everything. That’s what well-paid staffs are for. But why wasn’t he prepared to use the release of his tax statements as a teaching moment? The perfect candidate was so prepared. He blunted criticism about his taxes by pointing out that his income came almost exclusively from dividends, and that the federal government taxes them at a relatively low 15 percent to encourage job-creating investment.

He argued that corporate profits from which dividends are paid are double-taxed at 35 percent, one of the world’s highest corporate rates. Add state and local taxes to the 50 (15 plus 35) percent federal take, and the wonder is that start up business in America is able to attract any risk capital at all.

The perfect candidate had former Sen. Rick Santorum’s respect for marital fidelity and family values. He was equivocal, though, on right to life issues. Given the current culture, he knew that it is potentially fatal to run a national campaign on a promise to repeal Roe v. Wade. Abortion is indeed a moral dilemma for all serious candidates, and the perfect candidate, like most of the others, was not prepared to deny women the “right to choose.”

Newt Gingrich furnished the perfect candidate with a killer instinct that, given an opening, enabled him to eviscerate the liberal media and sucker punch detractors on the stump. The perfect candidate, however, exuded charm and touching humility when the occasion demanded. He had a ready answer for everything, and deflected attacks on his character with all the skill of a pro-bowl cornerback knocking away a tight spiral meant for the tight end he’d just kneed in the groin.

Rep. Ron Paul, the only active member of the Washington establishment to make it to the Final Four, gave the perfect candidate expertise (well, sort of) in foreign policy. He knew how unpopular the 10-year war in Afghanistan is, how chimerical the “victory” America achieved in Iraq is turning out to be, and how sick to death most Americans are with nation-building abroad. He shared Ron Paul’s disdain for the Federal Reserve, and vowed to protect the dollar.

In my dream, the perfect candidate played quarterback on an SEC team that won back-to-back national championships. After graduation from college, where he earned academic honors, he turned down megabucks to sign with the Green Bay Packers, opting instead to enlist in the army. He served two tours in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. His medals included a Silver Star and three Purple Hearts. When released from active duty, he married his childhood sweetheart. They had two girls and a boy, all of whom have stayed out of trouble. He started a small business making things you seldom find made in America these days.

He went into politics by running for a local school board. He lost that election, but then ran successfully for county council. From there it was the governor’s office.

He began his campaign for president on a dare. Nobody thinks he has much of a chance, but given the quality of those he’s running against and, supposing he wins the Republican nomination, the nature of the incumbent he will face in the fall, who knows?

“The Cat only grinned when it saw Alice. It looked good-natured, she thought: still it had very long claws and a great many teeth, so she felt it ought to be treated with respect.”

R.L. Schreadley is a former Post and Courier executive editor.