When nice gets in the way of advancing career

I should start by saying that I understand it's probably a bit edgy to position "niceness" as a potential problem in the friendliest and most mannerly city in America. We Charlestonians pride ourselves on our mastery of being polite, courteous, kind and pleasant. That's a beautiful thing, and it's a big part of why so many people want to visit and live in our fair city.

It's also true that most any strength, when overused, can backfire and begin to show up as a weakness, or at least a disadvantage in the professional arena. When it comes to being nice, it's hard to imagine how this quality could be construed as a negative, particularly in an era where we recognize the importance of social and emotional intelligence as determining factors to career success.

If we take a closer look, we can begin to see that niceness has a shadow side and manifests as such when it begins to get in the way of being authentic and real, or when it becomes a limiting characteristic that impedes career progress. Consider some of the ways being too nice might reveal itself at work:

Unwillingness to express opinions and preferences. Being nice can feel inconsistent with having strong views on issues and being able to voice them. Many people somehow equate having opinions with being stubborn or unyielding. However, this doesn't mean that you don't know how to compromise or negotiate effectively. It simply means that how you feel about things is driven by passion and clear beliefs, which is the starting point for any productive conversation. Being unwilling to express those real opinions is one of the biggest ways in which women give their power away.

Reluctance to offer constructive feedback. Many women were raised with the adage, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all," and tend to take this wisdom too literally. Being an effective leader requires that you offer people honest input to help them see their blind spots and hone their performance. While it's important that this feedback be framed in an affirming and helpful way, to withhold it does your associates no favors and can hamper their development

Taking on too much. Many people become overloaded and overwhelmed at work because they don't know how to say "no." There is a fear that declining additional responsibilities will be perceived as being a slacker or not being a team player. However, the most accomplished professionals are those who don't allow themselves to get buried by unreasonable demands or an impossible workload. In this age of managing energy instead of time, it's critical to know your bandwidth and be aware of what you need to stay resilient and in top form.

Rescuing and enabling. One of the keys to being an effective leader is being compassionate and understanding while still holding people accountable. This can be a tricky balance, but it's an essential step to developing people and expanding their capacity to stretch themselves and grow. Instead, what some managers do with an underperforming employee is take the monkey on their own backs and "carry" the person instead of challenging them to step up their game.

Blurry boundaries. This is in some ways a variation on the inability to say "no" and shows up specifically as a tendency to be overly inclusive or accessible. It's one thing to have an open-door policy and be well-connected with your people. It's another to have difficulty closing your door to complete an important report, draw the line with a chatty colleague's long-winded conversations or decline the neighbor who wants to visit for a coffee klatch just because you happen to work out of a home office. Drawing boundaries is essential in a world that is wired 24/7 in order to keep your own sanity.

Unwillingness to ask for what you need. This tendency shows up in many ways: a reluctance to ask for help, for a job, for a raise, for a promotion, for a place at the table. By and large, women are much better at giving than receiving, which upsets the reciprocity that a healthy system needs to be in balance.

Confusing assertiveness with aggressiveness. Being appropriately assertive is about overcoming all of the limiting patterns mentioned here, and doing so in a way that is sensitive to the needs and preferences of others. Because some women are afraid of being seen as pushy or aggressive, they shy away from asserting themselves in circumstances where it's warranted. This can result in a self-limiting and diminutive presence that interferes with being seen as a leader or a key contributor.

If you notice yourself falling into any of the categories described above, it might be time to take inventory of your "niceness" tendencies. Consider how you can speak the truth, express your voice and ask for what you need, all while remaining sensitive, kind and considerate. That's the magic combination that inspires people and will solidify your value as a leader.

Barbara Poole is a master-certified coach and leadership/team development consultant. She is president of Success Builders Inc. and partner/co-founder of Leading Deeply LLC. She can be reached at Barbara@LeadingDeeply.org.The Job Coaches are volunteers from the Center for Women's Job Counseling Program. Ask a question by calling 763-7333 or emailing info@c4women.org. For more assistance, make an appointment; a donation of $35 is requested.