Phantom's Phannies: Wrestling's Worst

It’s that time of year again.

This year’s Academy Awards are in the books, but it’s not too late for the Phannies, pro wrestling’s equivalent of Hollywood’s Razzies.

Presented biannually by The Phantom of the Ring, accompanied on this version by a new character dubbed “Der Fuehrer,” these mat awards spoofing the worst the business had to offer this year include some genuine rib-ticklers.

Disclaimer: the following views do not necessarily express those of this columnist, but one can’t deny they’re funny as heck!

Among them (at least the newspaper-friendly ones), compliments of The Phantom, are:

WORST FANTASY: In the course of an interview for a wrestling-themed radio show in Canada, Hulk Hogan was asked if he could wrestle again. He then proceeded to tell the hosts that right now, despite his eighth back surgery, the odds are 50/50. But ask him the same question in, say, six months, and the answer could well be different. What they should have asked him is if he can pose again. To call what he did in the ring “wrestling” at any time was to stretch the argument past the breaking point.

We also loved the part of the interview where Hulk admits he bottomed out both personally and professionally and then goes on to thank Dixie Carter profusely for picking him up for TNA. We can only guess that his way of showing his appreciation is to run her promotion into the ground.

WORST WRESTLEMANIA PARTY: Kevin Nash, Sean Waltman and Raven were the Guests of Honor at a Wrestlemania party held April 1 at Atlanta’s Sutra Lounge. One had to pay for the privilege of attending and we were informed that VIP tickets were supposedly sold out, which left General Admission, and if you were unlucky enough not to purchase your ticket in advance, the door price was $10 higher. We just wonder if anyone came at all.

Who in their right mind would want to sit there and listen to the likes of Raven, who hardly says a word; Waltman, who can’t shut up; and Nash, who, when he talks, makes one wish that he would shut up. Talk about a night to remember.

WORST COMEBACK: Finally, The Rock has gotten it through his thick skull and realized he’s not going to be the next Ah-nuld, so he has come back to WWE! Along the way he changed his talent agency from Creative Artists Agency (and his longtime agent Darren Statt) to William Morris Endeavor, which is described as the largest diversified talent agency in the world. One e-mail fan sheet describes this as “a great coup” by WME “as The Rock is one of the hottest properties in Hollywood.” Excuse us while we try not to die from laughing. The Rock draws well in ensemble pieces, like Fast Five (where he’s billed 12th and stars with Vin Diesel, with whom he is often confused), and The Other Guys, where he takes a clear back seat to Will Ferrell and Mark Walhberg.

This actually works out well for both parties as Rock isn’t tied down to a regular schedule with the WWE and can remain fresh. Meanwhile, because of his “guest” schedule, The Rock will always seem fresh to the audiences and will draw because of it. So long as WWE doesn’t do anything stupid, that is. To those who ask, “Hey, what could go wrong?” we can only answer that Stephanie and Trips are doing the booking.

WORST ACTRESS: Besides taking acting classes — again — Brooke Hogan has just finished shooting a straight-to-television flick titled Sand Sharks, a lower-than-low budget remake of Jules Verne’s Mysterious Island featuring all the usual things one would find in such a picture: ruthless pirates, erupting volcanoes, huge hairy swamp cannibals (are there any other sort?), a giant octopus (of course) and Captain Nemo himself, armed with a steam-driven ray gun.

Besides this, she also has another in the can called Devour about three popular kids in a high school who turn into cannibals. There’s only one thing we don’t get: Do the acting classes lead to parts in films such as these, or is she taking acting classes because she’s in films such as these?

GIVE US THAT OLD-TIME RELIGION: WWE, with all the fervor of someone who just found religion, opened the May 2 edition of Raw with a Star-Spangled blast. It led off with images from 9/11 followed by an address by then President George W. Bush at Ground Zero. Next we are regaled to Lillian Garcia (remember her?) singing the national anthem while the WWE Superstars lined up on the entrance ramp. (They’d better be there.)

Lest we forget, The Rock came down (interrupting his birthday, no less) to lead the audience in a recital of The Pledge of Allegiance. And later — lest we really forget — WWE showed the footage from the last night’s pay-per-view with John Cena announcing the death of Osama Bin Laden to the crowd and television audience. Overkill? You bet, especially considering it’s from the man who turned Sgt. Slaughter into a heel during the 1991 Gulf War. Wonder if Linda’s newfound political ambitions have anything to do with this. Oh well, McMahon is only confirming the old adage that patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH: Everybody’s favorite MMA loser, Brock Lesnar, told interviewer Ariel Helwani that the “heat” between him and The Undertaker, witnessed in their tete-a-tete after Blockhead’s humiliation at the hands of Cain Velasquez, is for real. According to Block, the heat stems from a discussion he overheard where Taker supposedly had some bad things to say not only about him, but also his life. We can see Blockhead’s point on this, for if there’s one person who should not criticize someone else’s life, it’s The Undertaker.

Since the subject of pro wrestling hangs over every Lesnar interview like the sword of Damocles, Blockhead did get around to addressing it by saying that if the right opponent and right circumstances came up, he would return to the ring and would never say never about returning to wrestling. As to what right opponent and what right circumstances, Lesnar was strangely silent, almost as if we knew he didn’t have an answer.

THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I: Val Venis starts a feud with Matt Hardy on Twitter. The only problem is that he seems to have neglected to tell Matt about it. Hardy’s response to Val Venis came via YouTube where he divulged that Venis never told him about it and that Val is “pathetic.”

You can find a whole history of their feud on YouTube and will come away with either the opinion that this is all a work (for what reason we’ll never know) or that Venis and Hardy are two of the most pathetic people on the face of the planet. That plus a full-blown case of nausea and a headache that just won’t go away. The loser in the feud? The fan, of course.

STING ADMITS WWE OFFER: Sting told British tabloid the Daily Star that, before he re-appeared for TNA, he closely considered an offer from WWE that included a match versus Undertaker at Wrestlemania as well as a spot in the WWE Hall of Fame. While most would have snapped at the offer, Sting turned it down, he said, for the same reasons he has always given — that he could never trust Vince on how he handled WCW Superstars. Although it really doesn’t take a genius to see through Vince, the fact that Sting was able to do it in the end gives us much to respect and applaud.

It could be argued that the Stinger is in his 50s and doesn’t have that many active years left in the ring, so why not take whatever money is offered and go with it? Perhaps he remembered the old Yiddish saying that they can take your fortune, you job and your family, but not your integrity: That you have to give them. We’re sure he knew that there was no way he was winning at Wrestlemania against Undertaker and realized that he’d end up as comic cannon fodder for the Next Big Thing That Can’t Work. One doesn’t have to be Nostradamus to see this coming.

THE NXT TERRIBLE WWE IDEA: WWE plans to bring back the Diva Search next season, only this time something along the lines of the NXT concept that worked so well WWE brought back Tough Enough. Supposedly, the women brought in would have current Divas as pros (Who’s going to teach them?)

Also mentioned is the fact that WWE is going to make an effort this time to bring in women from the indy scene. As opposed to what: strip joints, go-go bars and amateur dance contests? We can’t wait, but we do know the ratings will be excellent. Well, for at least the first weeks, anyway.

WORST ANNOUNCER: Michael Cole, another victim of WWE’s cluelessness when it comes to their talent. Week after week we are treated to the spectacle of Cole interfering in match after match without purpose. It has led to a “Who cares?” feud with Jerry Lawler that shows no sign of mercifully abating, with Lawler working from the announcer’s table each week on Raw with Cole in a Plexiglas cage like the kid in your sixth-grade class that took the short yellow bus to school every day.

Nor is it only Raw where he shows his face. He also puts in time on Smackdown to little or no effect. (Of course we loved the one episode of Raw where Cole shamelessly interrupted a Divas match, bringing it to a complete halt as the girls are totally unable to ad-lib. It told us the real importance WWE places on Divas matches as well as letting us know what they really think of their female employees.)

Yeah, Cole is annoying, he is stultifying and totally obnoxious. So why is he being wasted as an announcer when his real talents are as a manager? He actually has us paying attention to Jack Swagger, who, with his spaced out-slack-jawed expression, looks to us as if he drools. We’ve never understood why managers have suddenly become persona non grata in wrestling when talented wrestlers are left in the lurch because they’re not exactly Conan O’Brien on the microphone. With a manager, these wrestlers have a real chance to breakout without having to have their characters revamped or returned to developmental. Wasn’t that the real for managers to begin with in the ring?

THE ESSENCE AWARD: Where before we had a “Phannie of the Year,” “Phannie of the Month,” etc., we have decided to change the name to The Essence Award as representing the essence of what the Phannies are all about — unmitigated stupidity combined with a total arrogance towards the fans.

The winner of this award for this period is none other than WWE, which, in its relentless quest to reinvent itself, issued a press release formally rebranding itself as — are you ready? — WWE. They, in their wisdom, are dropping the full name of World Wrestling Entertainment. Thus, while WWE has been short for World Wrestling Entertainment, in the future WWE will be short for WWE.

To quote the release: “Two key components to WWE’s brand expansion will be the active pursuit to acquire entertainment content companies and the outsourcing of WWE’s core competencies — television and film production, live event production and licensing. As part of the new business model, the company will also focus on the development of new television products including scripted, non-scripted and animated programs, as well as the launch of a new WWE network in the next 12-18 months.”

Wait a minute, isn’t this what they were doing before they started re-branding? Well … yeah, but they trying to get away from wrestling n favor of other forms of entertainment. So then why is their first effort under this “rebranding” Tough Enough, a wrestling show? But that’s not a wrestling show! Oh yeah, why not? Because they say it isn’t, that’s why. Yes, it’s true. As part of WWE’s new image, employees are forbidden to use the term “wrestling,” or as it’s now known, “the W word.”

Tough Enough guest star Bret Hart recently had the word “wrestler” bleeped when he used it during one episode, leading the viewer to wonder if he said something really heinous. In line with this they reportedly corrected a television reporter for referring to the WWE Hall of Fame as a Pro Wrestling Hall of Fame. (One wonders now just what the criteria will be. A company with no defined criteria choosing a Hall of Fame for which there can be no defined criteria. Franz Kafka would be proud.) But for now, wrestling will play a part as Trips has been announced as heading up WWE’s new talent development department.

If the aim is not just to drop wrestling from the company’s title, but also from its offerings, they just made the perfect appointment. Of course, the press release also abounds with terms such as “new business model,” “global entertainment company” and “content opportunities.” If you’re afraid that you’re not familiar with them, you can take solace in the fact that they don’t know any more about what these terms mean than you do. This leaves us left wondering as to what the keystone event of the company should be called, now that the “W word” will be verboten.

Hmmmm, how about SportsEntertainmentMania? Nah, too long. NewBusinessModelMania? Same problem. Wait, we got it: OverpricedMania. Or how about EnnuiMania? We should really Tweet in our responses to Trips and Vince. It’ll make for interesting reading.

-- Old School Championship Wrestling will present a Champions Challenge Night tonight at the Hanahan Recreation Gymnasium, 3100 Mabeline Road, Hanahan.

Bell time is 6 p.m. Doors open at 5.

All champions will have their belts on the line. Top bouts include Reid Flair returning to face Calie Casanova in a challenge for Hardcore King, and Josh Magnum meeting Ken Magnum.

Adult admission (cash at the door) is $10; children 12 and under $5.

For more information, contact (843) 743-4800 or www.oscwonline.com.