Women supporting women

'It's a dirty little secret among women that we don't support one another," says Susan Shapiro Barash, author of "Tripping the Prom Queen: The Truth About Women and Rivalry" and professor of gender studies at Marymount Manhattan College.

The sweeping generality of Barash's comment perturbed me, yet the core of truth in her assertion unfortunately resonated.

The statistics from her research troubled me even more:

--More than 90 percent of the women Barash interviewed admitted that envy and jealousy toward other women colored their lives.

--Ninety percent had observed competition in the workplace occurring primarily between women rather than between women and men.

--And, get this, 25 percent said that they had stolen a female friend's husband, boyfriend or job!

Distressing for sure, but there's more to come.

Gail McGuire, chairwoman of the department of sociology and anthropology at Indiana University South Bend, authored the article "Intimate Work: A Typology of the Social Support That Workers Provide to Their Network Members." This report contains the nasty little nugget that once women are promoted, they aren't likely to hire women to join them in the upper-management ranks. This research puts quantitative data behind Barash's claim about the dirty little secret. Yikes!

And even more ...

A 2007 Workplace Institute study found that of those who mistreat co-workers, women were more likely to target other women (71 percent) compared with men who bully other men (54 percent).

Sixty-three percent of 2,000 British women surveyed in 2009 reported that they preferred having a male boss.

Cue the big sigh

Bullying. Not helping. Competing. Undercutting. Backstabbing.

Disagree with me if you will, but I see these behaviors as hallmarks of the chronically low-powered: women who choose to make their mark, stake out their turf and/or secure their standing by steam-rolling over and/or belittling other women.

Supportive sisterhood

Kathryn, a woman who honors me with her friendship, has nailed what I call the divine secrets of the supportive sisterhood. She "gets" what it takes to support fellow women.

Secret 1: Tell it straight-up because you care: the good, the bad and the ugly.

Kathryn was a participant in a women and power workshop I conducted late last year. Her post-session feedback was invaluable, both what I did well and where I could improve. Women supporting women want to see all women do well, so there's no skipping over the constructive criticism to maintain "I want you to like me" status or harboring an "I secretly want to see you fail" mind-set.

Secret 2: Open doors and make introductions.

Kathryn must have the longest speed dial and email lists around. She's quick to recommend and/or facilitate connections. Relationships, alliances and coalitions are the new currency of the workplace. Building those bonds between and with other women can only help advance our general standing in business.

Secret 3: Replace the cat suit with collaboration and recognition.

Having a little milk with your snarky cat chow comments serves no one well. Kathryn is known for her supportive remarks, notes and get-together suggestions. Cease with the catty comments, which only fuel the image of Barash's dirty little secret claim. Instead, learn the background stories of your female colleagues; be a safe harbor or a sounding board for them. We're only as strong as our weakest link.

Secret 4: Share freely what you know.

Kathryn is quick to share articles, access and/or information. Protecting your turf by hoarding knowledge or aggregating power doesn't expand your sphere of influence. In fact, it limits it -- with both the guys and the gals. Power with (collaborating) rather than power over (controlling) is the new starting point.

Secret 5: Like yourself so you can like others.

For most of us, the inner critic is alive and well and oh-so-quick with the negative "you aren't good enough, smart enough, thin enough, whatever enough" script. Embrace your own goodness -- you've got lots of it. Be confident and share your accomplishments. Revel in your own uniqueness instead of wishing you were more like someone else.

Please do step into your positive power, and bring another woman along with you!

Jane Perdue is the principal/CEO for the Braithwaite Innovation Group. You can reach her through her company's website, braithwaiteinnovationgroup.com.The Job Coaches are experienced volunteers from the Center for Women's Job Counseling Program. Ask them a question by calling 763-7333 or emailing info@c4women.org. If you would like further assistance, make a counseling appointment; a donation of $35 is requested.