Getting over fear of success

My client, Susan, is an admitted self-help junkie. She has read every book, listened to every audiotape and watched every PBS program out there related to goal setting and living the life of your dreams. She has a poster in her office that reads, "What would you do if you knew you could not fail?"

Fear of failure is one of the big things that holds people back from getting what they really want out of their working lives. In the game of risk, sticking with "just OK" often seems safer than putting it all on the line with the possibility that you could fail in a new job, a fledgling business, or some other career pursuit that would pull you out of your comfort zone and into the great unknown. Many times, fear of failure is really about fear of incompetence, of having to start over and experience a profound sense of being a novice with no real expertise. It often seems better to stick with something where you know the drill, however boring or unfulfilling that might happen to be.

Fear of failure is such a commonplace experience that we often assume it's the primary element responsible for holding people back from pursuing what they really want to achieve. But what of its counterpart? At the other end of the spectrum is an equally powerful force that can get in the way, that being fear of success.

In some ways, the notion of fearing success seems counterintuitive. I mean, wouldn't everyone like to be fabulously successful, well-recognized in their fields, enjoying the financial and emotional rewards that come with being at the top of their game? Before you say, "Well, of course!" consider the reality of how we are socialized. As young children, we quickly learn that it's better to be viewed as a member of the pack than to be labeled a "teacher's pet." In later years, the same phenomenon shows up with the term "curve breaker," the notion being that it's better to be in the middle than to isolate oneself by setting high standards for excellence. Inclusion seems to depend upon being average and similar to others, so as not to be perceived as a threat. Particularly during teenage years, popularity often trumps accomplishment.

As little girls grow into adults, there is a range of additional factors that contribute to fear of success. See if you can relate to any of these:

--Setting the bar for yourself at a higher level means that you will have to expend that much more energy to stay there or surpass that level.

--Your success will garner more attention from others, which may be challenging if you are a private person.

--Financial success may run counter to the culture of your family of origin and bring up issues of "deservability."

--You will have less time for yourself if you give in to the demands of a higher level of performance and accomplishment, and lifestyle balance may become a challenge.

--You may find yourself viewing your achievements as a fluke, and doubting your ability to replicate your success (also known as "imposter syndrome").

It's harder to stay on top than to get there, and you may fear falling from the pinnacle.

Claiming your own power as a woman may seem daunting, especially if you were raised to be a well-behaved "good girl."

Becoming successful could upset the apple cart of your life. It might threaten relationships, circumstances, aspects of your lifestyle, and a variety of other factors that are important to you. This is perhaps the biggest contributor to fear of success, because it represents potential loss.

So what if fear of success is holding you back? What if you recognize that you're capable of more and you're attracted to the idea of stretching yourself, but those fears are creeping in even as you read this column? Here are some steps to work through your fears and free yourself up to more forward:

1. Get beneath the broad notion of fear of success and identify what specifically you are afraid of.

2. Identify your underlying beliefs about success and spend some time understanding their origins.

3. Challenge those beliefs that you may have carried with you since childhood with the rational eyes of an adult. Be willing to reframe those beliefs that are illogical or unsupported.

4. Ask yourself some provocative questions related to success:

--What do I get to avoid by staying where I am?

--What guarantees am I holding out for?

--What am I afraid of losing if I succeed?

5. Get strategic about what success would actually look and feel like for you. What specifically do you want to accomplish? How long would that take? What preparation is necessary? How will you know when you've "made it"?

6. Build a strong support system of people who believe in you and will cheer you on. When you get serious about success, the naysayers in your life will fall away. Be willing to move on, and surround yourself with those who will challenge you to be your best.

Marianne Williamson said, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." Stare down those fears and step into your own power. A world of success is waiting for you.

Barbara Poole is a master-certified coach and leadership/team development consultant. She is president of Success Builders, Inc. and partner/co-founder of Leading Deeply LLC. Barbara can be reached at barbara@leadingdeeply.org.

The Job Coaches are volunteers from the Center for Women's Job Counseling Program. Ask a question by calling 763-7333 or e-mailing info@c4women.org. For more assistance, make an appointment; a donation of $35 is requested.