How to maintain friendships through all of life's changes

Photo by Leroy Burnell/The Post and Courier; Illustration by Laura Gough/The Post and Courier

There was a time when the two of you could dish for hours -- about the dating scene perhaps, or wanting kids, or saving money by making your own laundry detergent.

Then everything changed.

Your friend tells you that she is engaged, or pregnant, or has inherited a small fortune and can now afford Tide.

Gallons of it.

Life changes can disrupt friendships. Even relationships that seemed strong may start to crumble as two people head down different paths, finding along the way that they have less and less in common.

The person going through the change may get caught up in her new interests and in new friends who share those interests.

So what can two friends do to save their relationship?

First, remember that transition times often are opportunities to strengthen a friendship, suggests Rebecca Denslow, a master-level therapist in private practice in Mount Pleasant.

If your friend is going through a divorce, be supportive, Denslow says. Listen with empathy, go to court with her for emotional support, take groceries to her or fill up her car's gas tank if there is trouble with cash flow while awaiting a legal settlement.

If she has just had a baby, be joyful with her. Visit but don't stay too long -- the new family needs time to bond. Offer to stay in her home to tend to the baby for a few hours while the new mother sleeps or gets a massage that is a gift from you.

It also helps to accept that the amount of time spent together and how that time is spent most likely will change during periods of transition, Denslow says. "Know that the core of your friendship is still there, but the form of it may be different."

Here are some more suggestions for maintaining a friendship through life changes:

--Communicate on a frequent basis, says Dr. Samuel Rosen, a board-certified psychiatrist with Roper St. Francis Physician Partners. "Sometimes friendships have trouble not because of a real change in a person, but because of a perception that they have changed from others," he said.

Experts say communicating can show you that while your friend now has a more glamorous job, for example, she's still the same woman who enjoys fishing while drinking a bottle of beer.

--Don't isolate yourself, says Delores Gregory Hollen, a licensed professional counselor on staff at OASIS Christian Counseling Center in Moncks Corner. "Keep in touch with your friends and be honest with them about how you are feeling."

--Celebrate and maintain a sense of humor together about the changes, Denslow says.

--Use Facebook, Skype and other tech tools to stay in touch between visits, Rosen says. "The ability to maintain friendships from the home is much greater than it used to be."

--Make yourself do some things with your friends that you have always enjoyed doing, even if you have to force yourself, Hollen says.

--Know when to show up and when to leave, Denslow says.

--Watch for cues from your friends about their ability to be with you through a difficult time, says Hollen. "If you sense they are uncomfortable or can't handle it, try to remember that we all have different gifts, and empathy and compassion may not be one of theirs."

--Meet for coffee, Rosen says. It takes very little time.

--And, lastly, don't forget the song you learned in Girls Scouts: "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, and the other's gold."