When life gets demanding, many women find sex can be first thing to go

Maybe you actually had a headache the last time you used that excuse.

But if you didn't, you're not alone.

A large portion of women experience low sexual desire. About 33 percent of females ages 18-59 reported a loss of desire for at least a few months during the previous year in the most recent National Health and Social Life Survey.

It's partly because women take on a lot of responsibility, according to Dr. Gweneth Lazenby of the Medical University of South Carolina's department of obstetrics and gynecology.

They may have their careers and then come home to a second job as homemaker, mother and wife. Often they're unable to relax because they're stretched in so many directions.

"What we find is women don't take enough time for themselves, and then sex just seems like another thing they have to give," Lazenby said.

Having a low libido isn't necessarily a problem. But for those in relationships, it can wreak havoc.

Decreased sexual desire lowers self-esteem for both the person experiencing it and their partner, according to Susan Staub, a certified sex therapist based in Mount Pleasant. Without sex, emotional and physical intimacy are threatened.

"People disconnect and emotional distancing occurs," Staub said. "Couples become more like roommates. And they are more easily irritated with each other, focus on the problems. It's a vicious cycle -- with less emotional connection, less desire, with less desire, less sex, and then greater emotional disconnection."

Staub said more women than men seek her help for low libido. Recently, she has noticed an uptick in young women -- those in their 20s, 30s and early 40s -- presenting with the issue.

Lazenby says low libido can end a relationship if there is discordance between how interested the two partners are in sex. The good news is that low sexual desire is not a permanent problem, Lazenby said.

Here are her and other experts' thoughts on the causes of low sex drive and ways to increase it:

--Stress and anxiety are common causes of low libido. It's important to take time to alleviate stress by exercising, eating well and getting enough sleep, Lazenby said. Also, take time out for yourself.

--When couples have been together a long time, they tend to take less care of their bodies, Lazenby said. By improving your own health, you'll feel better about your body and more confident about sex.

--Exercise also increases endurance and can lead to more enjoyment and arousal in the bedroom, Lazenby said. A study from the journal Behavior Research and Therapy demonstrated that immediately following exercise, women have increased sympathetic nervous system response and heightened blood flow to sexual organs. Simply put, exercise can lead to better sex.

--Low libido typically doesn't improve without therapy, says Staub, adding that she knows this sounds self-serving. Treatment has to address how people think about sex, how behaviors need to change via homework given on a weekly basis, relationship issues, childhood messages about sex, body issues and more.

--Sexual abuse or any type of violence can affect a person's interest in sex, and therapy can help a person come to terms with whatever trauma she has undergone, Lazenby said. Depression is another cause of low libido that should be treated, not ignored.

--Whenever there's stress in your relationship, talk about the problems rather than ignore them, Lazenby says. Even something that seems unrelated -- say, you're angry at your partner for not taking out the trash -- can affect your desire to have sex later on.

--Add spice to your sex life, suggests the Mayo Clinic. Consider a different location for sex, a different time or a different position to add interest.

--Some women who are undergoing significant changes in hormones may experience changes in libido, which sometimes can be addressed with hormone replacement, Lazenby said.

--Women who have just given birth may notice a decrease in desire with the time and energy an infant requires, Lazenby said. Over time, as a child becomes more independent, new parents will resume their normal sexual activity.

More important than the amount of sex a couple has is their mutual contentment with it.

"It's not for me to tell somebody they need to have sex once a week or once a day or once a month or once a year," Lazenby said. "That is a very personal decision. What I think is important is that a couple has an understanding of one another's desires, and aims to have some sort of compromise that keeps both people interested and happy."

Reach Kristen Hankla at 937-5548.