Next time I think I'll pass(port)

Let's say you're traveling to Europe this year. Let's also say your passport is valid through next year. Would you be worried? Of course you wouldn't. That's because you are an idiot.

Everybody knows your passport needs to be valid for at least six months after your travel date or they won't let you into most foreign countries. I mean, come on people!

OK, I'm lying. I didn't know this either. Call me crazy, but I thought an expiration date was supposed to be the date on which something expired. *Buzzer sound.*

So now I'm left scrambling to get my passport renewed before my wife and I leave for Spain and Italy (or more likely, my wife leaves for Spain and Italy). Which means I get to deal with the wondrous, well-oiled machine that is our federal government.

Now, I haven't exactly had the best track record with them in the past. For instance, a few years back when I went to apply for a home loan, I was declined because they said I owed the IRS $23,000. So I called my local IRS branch and spoke with a nice lady who quickly fixed my problem.

Ha, ha. Yeah, right. I totally got a recording. But eventually (defined as "five months, three more phone calls and one very painful face-to-face meeting later") they agreed that there must have been some sort of mix up because I didn't look like the kind of person who would defraud the government of 23 grand before he was old enough to walk (their records said I owed them this money in 1976, when I was 1).

But this time around, I am sure things will go much smoother. By which I mean I hope my wife takes some good pictures of Venice.

Just kidding! Seriously though, so far my second experience has been pretty much the exact same story all over again.

Bryce needs help from government. Government acts excited about the prospect of being needed by Bryce. Bryce leaves love notes on the windshield of government's car. Government won't return Bryce's phone calls. Bryce eats an entire cheesecake and then cries himself to sleep.

Seriously, this entire process has been ridiculous. First, I went to the post office, where the employees somehow make DMV workers seem charming. On the negative side, they were absolutely no help whatsoever. However, on the plus side, it's nice to know that there are people out there who know even less about passport renewal than I do.

Next, I called a courier service that guaranteed delivery of my new passport in 10 days. But when I called them back later the same day to ask for the mailing address, I got some guy's personal voicemail (and it was the same guy I had talked to earlier). This seemed sketchy to me, so against my better judgement I moved on to option three: Call the U.S. government's National Passport Information Center. (Its motto: "The second-to-last word is silent!")

The automated call center was super helpful and immediately told me that all I needed to do was fill out form DS-82 and then wait four days and call back at exactly 8 in the morning so that I could schedule an appointment for sometime in the next five to seven business days at the regional passport agency in Miami.

Problem solved! Thanks NPIC!

Unfortunately however, this simple solution didn't work with my schedule and I had to decline.

Which brings us to right now. Plan D. Because I was completely tapped out for ideas and because there aren't any real human beings you can talk with to get help on any passport problems you might have, I threw up a hail Mary and contacted my senator.

Which of course worked.

I can't even get an operator on the phone with the National Passport Information Center but I can call up and immediately speak with Sen. Lindsey Graham's press secretary? Go figure. And here's the best part: She's actually going to fix this for me.

So what have we learned from all this? Well, first of all I'm a moron. But second, our government runs about as smoothly as a 1984 Chevrolet Caprice with sugar in the gas tank. So let me serve as a lesson to all of you: Next time you plan on traveling to a foreign country, save yourself a huge headache. Start planning early, read up on the country you plan to visit and then, a few weeks before it's time to leave, cancel your trip.