Down. Set. Hike (the Appalachian Trail)!

A couple of weekends ago, my wife and I went hiking (notice I took my wife with me) (and we actually went hiking) in the mountains of North Carolina. It was during that time, surrounded by vast amounts of open space and the gentle sounds of nature, that I had a chance to reflect on some things, most notably, how much I missed cable television.

But it also got me thinking: Why don't more people do this? I mean, why don't more people take a little time off from the daily grind and fly to Argentina on the taxpayers' money? Wait, no! What I mean is, why don't more people go hiking?

The answer is simple: because most people don't have the vast knowledge of the outdoors like I do. And by "vast knowledge of the outdoors," of course I mean "sexy hiking shorts with their name airbrushed on the butt."

But you are in luck. This week I've decided to share my tips for having an enjoyable and safe hiking experience. For instance, you need to ...

Plan ahead

When going for a long hike, it's vitally important to familiarize yourself with the area. Personally, I like to scout locations at least two or three times before setting out on a hike. Sure, most Chuck E. Cheeses have the same general layout, but you can't be too careful.

Pack smart

Pop quiz: Which weighs more: A gallon of water or an electric nose-hair trimmer?

If you chose the trimmer, boy are you in for a miserable hike. By ditching heavier items like water bottles and first-aid kits, you can make room for more important items like whoopee cushions and your baseball card collection.

Pack light

It's human nature to fill up whatever space is available for storage. So remove that temptation by swapping out your oversized aluminum-framed pack for something a little more compact. Not only will you end up carrying less, but your Wiggles backpack will be the envy of the entire mountain.

Always carry a compass

Because you never know when you're going to need to draw perfect circles.

Protect your feet

Plenty of so-called "experts" will lead you to believe that a good hiking boot is the way to go. But what happens if you drop a tire iron on your foot or accidentally stub your toe on a coffee table out there in the wild? Yeah, didn't think about that did you? That's why you need to invest in a good pair of ski boots. "But Bryce," you might be saying, "what about all the excess weight and potential for blisters?" Sorry, I was blow-drying my hair (because I packed it instead of a stupid flashlight) and I didn't hear you. Next!

Take breaks

Hiking is a strenuous activity that can really zap the energy, so be sure to stop and rest regularly. After all, it's only fair to the mules.

Tell people know where you're going

Though this might seem like a no-brainer, some people forget to tell friends and family that they are going hiking. By doing so, if God forbid something should happen to you, your loved ones will be able to tell the police they have absolutely no idea where you went, but they do know that you went hiking.

BONUS TIP: By leaving an extensive trail of food behind you, it will be virtually impossible to get lost. Mainly because you'll be eaten by bears.