A twit's guide to Twitter

When it comes to Twitter, the free social networking and microblogging service you can use from your computer or cell phone, people generally fall into one of two camps: Those who love it and those with an IQ over 15.

Oh, calm down! Of course, I'm only joking. Nobody loves Twitter. But yet millions of us use it every day because, hey, that's what we're supposed to do, right? I mean, first it was MySpace. Then it was Facebook. Now it's Twitter. Tomorrow it will be Twitface or SpaceBook (which is incidentally what my mom calls Facebook now), and six months from now, it will be something completely different from either of those (my best guess: acid-washed jeans).

But I'm getting away from my point, which is: Just because something is completely pointless and stupid doesn't mean it can't be semi-popular (Exhibit A: this column). And let's face it, if you want to be part of the "in" crowd, you'd better start using Twitter right now (because it has a shelf life of about three more months). So this week I'm going to give you a crash course in the groundbreaking service that enables its users all over the globe to send and receive absolutely worthless messages of up to 140 characters.

First things first, you'll need to ...

Know what the heck Twitter is.

I have been using Twitter for almost six months, and I still have absolutely no clue. But I'll tell you this: Nobody else out there does either. In fact, I'm convinced this is how the invention process went for the technology:

TWITTER EXECUTIVE 1: "I've got it! What if we allow people to post things to our site, using some sort of username, and then we can send those posts out via text messages to other people who are 'following' them and it will create a big mobile network of microbloggers who can communicate with each other by simply using their cell phones?!"

TWITTER EXECUTIVE 2: "John, what have I told you about drinking at work?" (To everyone else) "Any other stupid ideas?"

So just do like everybody else does and pretend you know what Twitter is. Which means you're ready to ...

Join Twitter.

This part is a piece of cake. Simply log on to twitter.com, enter your desired username, password and then retype that word in the box that probably would be easier to read if you were wearing three sets of bifocals. Is it 'vest of mules'? Vented tubes? Vestibule? VESTIBULE! THAT'S IT! Oh, it logged me out.

Be careful when conjugating the word "Twitter."

Now that you're a part of the Twitter family, you're going to want to use the word in all sorts of different ways. When posting to Twitter, you are "tweeting," and when you get to the concert later that night, you might "tweet" with a bunch of other "twidiots" like yourself. But whatever you do, avoid using the term in the past tense. You know, unless you enjoy getting slapped.

Carefully choose what to share.

Nobody likes that person who tweets the occasional clever thought or witty expression. Instead, give the people what they want. Like what episode of "CSI: Miami" you're watching or the exact moment you began clipping your toenails. Now that's the essence of Twitter!

Use shorthand and abbreviations whenever possible.

With only 140 characters to get your point across, it's important to choose your words wisely. So save space by using abbreviations for common expressions such as:

LOL = Laughing out loud.

OH = Overheard.

TSKAITGRIT = The spare keys are in the guest room, I think.

MFDIC = Member FDIC.

APJAMWTWWSIS: Another person just asked me what Twitter was, what should I say?

Also, occasionally use the "#" and "@" symbols to make people think you know what you're doing.

Recruit a bunch of random people to follow you.

For instance, here is a sampling of people who are or at least were at one time following my updates:

--Shaq (Is it the basketball guy? I'm not sure. But will I make fun of "Kazaam" anymore? Yeah, probably.).

--Comedian Steve Harvey.

--Former NFL player Tony Mandarich.

--AllergyZone CEO Jim (OK, now I'm just showing off.).

So there you go: Twitter 101. Use it wisely. And quickly. Because Twitface is right around the corner to take its place. But just remember: Twitter, like all social networking sites, will most definitely cause you to go through denial, acceptance, bliss (for approximately 45 minutes), boredom and, finally, shame.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go clip my toenails. Don't worry. I'll tweet later and let you know how it went.