A host is a host of course of course

I don't normally like to brag, but one time when I was 8 and I got a tapeworm, the doctor — who I have to say showed some real thoughtfulness in an otherwise awful situation — told me I was "the perfect host."

Later my mom would point out that he probably meant because I picked my nose a lot and refused to take baths, but at the time I totally took it as a compliment.

As a result, to this day I have always taken pride in making others feel at ease. In fact, as far back as 1988 when my family hosted a French exchange student for the summer, she would always tell me: "Vous avez chien souffle." Now, I just recently found out that it means "you have dog breath," but still, I'm pretty sure I made her feel very comfortable during her stay.

So this week, in honor of my pediatric physician who also apparently turned out to be a pediatric psychic, I have to decided to share my extensive knowledge of hosting and answer all your etiquette questions. We'll start things off with this one from the letter Q:

Q. Bryce, how do I make my guests feel "at home"?

A. Great question. One of the simplest ways to make somebody feel at home is to put out something that reminds them of their own living space. Like a picture of them. Place it in the room they'll be staying in and they'll immediately feel welcome. Or, if you don't have a photo, you can simply use the bathroom with the door open.

Q. We invited my good friend to come stay with us this weekend but she ended up bringing her stupid little kids. That was NOT part of the deal.

A. Wait, I'm confused. Do you have a questi ...

Q. Shhh! They're at the door.

Q. My guests have offered to bring something as a "thank you" for my hospitality. What should I tell them?

A. Tell them that's not necessary. You know, unless they're used to sleeping on sheets.

Q. Should I go to the grocery store before my guests arrive?

A. So they can eat everything you just bought? I don't think so. Rent a vending machine and put it in their room. Problem solved.

Q. To give my guests that extra special feeling I often put a mint on their pillow right before bedtime. What are some other ideas like that I can do to give my place that "five-star hotel" feeling?

A. Charge them $15 a day for Internet access and tell them check-out is at 10 a.m.

Q. I found a pair of black pumps that my last guest left at my house. They fit me perfectly, not to mention look great with this new dress I just got. My question is: Do I have to tell her she left them?

A. Yes, Dad.

Q. I've been dying to try out this new liver pudding recipe, should I break it out when I have company over?

A. Normally I wouldn't recommend trying out a new dish on company, but I'm assuming we're referring to your in-laws.

Q. Bingo.

A. Go for it then.

Q. My wife and I always argue over the proper way to fold bathroom towels. She says you should do the tri-fold thing, but I swear by the half-fold method. Can you tell me which one of us is correct?

A. No, but I can tell you it's irrelevant because I'm going to assume you don't have any friends.

HOSPITALITY TIP NO. 35: If you're one of those people who put approximately 785 throw pillows on your guest bed, always remember: The bigger ones go at the back, the smaller ones go toward the front and many psychiatrists don't accept Blue Cross Blue Shield.