Runaway train(ing)

When my wife got me a six-week triathlon training program for my birthday, I was so excited, I nearly wet my pants. (NOTE: In this particular instance "nearly" is pronounced "totally.")

I rode this high for a couple of days until somebody finally pointed out that the three activities in a triathlon are not backgammon, "Guitar Hero" and judging a bikini contest.

Sadly, they're swimming, cycling and running. And, of course, emerging from the inevitable coma that follows. Now as to why my wife got me such a physically demanding gift, I have two theories:

1. She overheard me telling a friend how much I've always wanted to compete in a triathlon and thought it would be a sweet and heartfelt gift.

2. She wants me to die.

Right now, I'm leaning toward the second one. Mainly because after my orientation session Tuesday, I have a sneaking suspicion this whole training thing is not going to be easy.

Nonetheless, starting later this week, I begin my six-week program, which eventually will culminate with my first triathlon. Of course, by "culminate with my first triathlon" I mean "funeral."

To quickly review, here is the current state of my ...

Swimming

Ha! Good one. I think the last time I was in a pool was 1985 at Paul Cargill's 10th birthday party. And that was only because I dropped my cupcake in there.

GRADE: D (as in Drowning).

Cycling

A few years ago, when my car was in the shop for a couple of days, I borrowed my neighbor's kid's Dora the Explorer bike and rode it to work.

And while it technically got the job done, let me just say this: If Dora starts using foul language on her cartoon show, I can't totally rule out the possibility that she learned some of it from me.

GRADE: F (as in the really bad word Dora has started using).

Running

If we were talking about running in reference to any of the following: errands, a small business, my car to get it warm during the cold winter months, Windows on my Mac, for president of the LGFC (Lady Gaga Fan Club — lost in a runoff), then the answer would be a resounding yes, my running is outstanding. However, I'm afraid the running they're talking about is the kind you do on your feet. In which case the ruling is: Houston, we have a problem.

GRADE: C+ (but only because I'm grading myself relative to my swimming and cycling ability).

So I guess the real question here is: Will I be able to make it all the way through the six-week program?

My instincts say yes. Just keep in mind my instincts are compulsive liars. So more than likely, the answer is no. But I'm not too worried. After all, I do know a thing or two about calling in sick. (I got through the entire sixth grade impersonating my mother on the telephone.)

Be sure to check back next week when I give a complete status update on my triathlon training progress.

Surely they have wireless Internet at the hospital.