Housesitting on a gold mine

I am one housesitting job away from selling my own place. I'm not kidding. I've got gigs lined up so far in advance, I might not sleep in my own bed until next October. (My wife argues that, "this might have happened anyway.")

Now for those of you out there going, "But Bryce, housesitting is a pain. I'd rather just stay at my own place," shame on you.

Every once in a while, do the right thing and try living your life by the Golden Rule, which we all know means: Free pay-per-view!

So the next time somebody asks you to watch their house while they're out of town, take them up on it. Just make sure you follow these handy tips so that you get the most out of your stay. For instance ...

NEVER THROW A PARTY.

Without having at least one keg, stripper or bonfire. If that sounds irresponsible, think about it this way: You wouldn't do something like that at your house, right?

HAVE REPLACEMENT ANIMALS READY.

It's not uncommon for the people to have pets. That means they expect you to keep their furry loved ones safe and sound the entire time they're gone. Sure, that may sound simple, but trust me when I tell you, sometimes those pesky little boogers can escape from your car trunk. So be prepared for the worst and visit your local animal shelter to line up a potential stunt double.

HAVE THERMOSTAT FUN.

Let's face it, if money wasn't an object and you weren't concerned about saving the environment, you'd turn your thermostat down to 45 degrees in the summer.

Well, guess what? You don't pay the electric bill at this joint and nobody cares about saving the environment unless somebody else is watching. So bust out the down-filled jackets and ski down the stairs.

DON'T EAT ALL THE FOOD.

There's nothing ruder than eating everything in somebody's cupboard. So the next time you have a craving to open that giant bag of potato chips, be considerate and make sure you leave them at least one.

SORT THE MAIL.

Nobody likes coming home to a big pile of junk mail. So if you really want to impress the owners, go ahead and throw away things such as fliers, coupon packs and bills. They'll thank you for it.

TAKE A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF.

Sure, all those goody-two-shoes out there may argue that stealing is "wrong" or "illegal," but they probably don't have a brand-new Nintendo Wii they got for free. Just make sure that whatever you take comes from the kid's room. After all, what parent in their right mind is going to believe their child didn't lose it?

HAVE EXCUSES READY.

While this may be hard to believe, no matter how closely you follow these rules, things still can go wrong. So be ready to field some hard-hitting questions when the homeowner gets back by memorizing these handy responses:

"Look pal, your house was already burned down when we got here."

"What 42-inch plasma TV?"

"I thought you were kidding about watering the plants."

"No hablo ingles."

"Well excuse me, that just so happens to be where we go to the bathroom in my house."

Sure, housesitting can be hard work, but look on the bright side: You never know when the person you're doing it for might die in a freak accident and you'll end up with the house.